We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

Last Thursday I did something that I had never done before. There’s a first time for everything, and although going to the movies all by myself wasn’t really on my goal list, it wasn’t half bad. I do this thing where I go to the movies and evaluate the staff in return for free movie tickets. I keep losing the movie tickets, so it hasn’t been going as planned, but that was why I absolutely had to go to the movies, even without a date. I chose Perks of Being a Wallflower, and Pitch Perfect, and have to say I absolutely loved them both. I have recently come to the realization that although I am 22, my acting age range is more that of a teenager/college students, so they were great movies to see the incredible roles that I could potentially be playing. It also showed me all the high school experiences I completely missed out on, since I went to a french high school that didn’t even have a graduation ceremony, and can hopefully get the chance to experience some day on a movie set.

Pitch Perfect was hilarious, but Perks really spoke to me. I once had a teacher in high school call me what I assume to be the french equivalent to a wallflower, but actually translates to forgotten flower. I have spent most of my life, and pretty much the entirety of my high school years observing as life happened to others. I don’t talk much, and when looking back on parties, people often forget I was there, but I can tell you everything that was said, tell you who was there and did what. I could feel Charlie’s fear and longing as he watched Patrick and Sam at the school dance, as he fought with the decision to finally join them. That’s me. Comfortable watching, but so afraid to make the jump and join in. I’m working on it, but I still really associated with Charlie. I could also see myself dating someone I didn’t really want to, because I was afraid to say no, or hurt their feelings. I won’t give away any more of the plot, except for this one line that breaks my heart, but is also true. Paul Rudd, who plays the teacher, says “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I’ve been hearing this for years, but it just really hit me while watching the movie, that I need to realize that I deserve to have my dreams come true, to find love and the whole nine yards…I deserve it.

Unfortunately, by the time the movie ended, I got to jazz a little late, and couldn’t find parking, so decided to skip it. This makes two weeks in a row, so I am slightly worried about going on Thursday, because the longer I put it off, the scarier going back will be. Not because it’s scary, but because I will have missed a lot and be really behind.

On Saturday night, I had my work’s closing supper, to celebrate the end of the year. My brother and I were the only ones from the younger crowd who actually showed up, but it was still pretty fun. These people have known me pretty much all of my life, so when I tell them that I’m going to LA this winter to take acting classes, they know the shy me they’ve seen the past 10 years or so, but some of them also remember the little girl from the commercials, and think it makes sense. Either way, John took it upon himself to raise a glass to toast my trip to LA, and to wish for me that all of my dreams come true. It was a simple gesture, and everyone spent the night making toasts, but it really meant a lot to me, to have them all behind me, actually believing that they will one day see me on TV.

^This is me back in my commercial days, with my TV daddy. Wasn’t I cute back then?

Sunday was the day of my headshots with Adrian. I couldn’t decide on outfits until a half an hour before leaving, and was so nervous and kind of terrified. I didn’t necessarily have a bad experience last time I got my headshots done, the photographer was really nice and I got great headshots, but I’m shy and had trouble being comfortable and letting my amazing self shine through 🙂 I don’t know if this time was different because I’ve changed, or because I knew the photographer, but I had a lot of fun. When I got there, Luisa, who is responsible the Tom Todoroff scene shots I have been posting, was just leaving, and Adrian’s roommate had worked on the student film I had been an extra for in March. I felt retarded sometimes during the shoot, because I was trying to personify the camera, and stare straight into the lens and stuff, but the pictures were looking really good on his little camera screen. A lot of them really didn’t look like I do normally, so I would laugh when I saw them, which Adrian found really funny. I also varied between commercial and theatrical looks based on when Adrian made me laugh, as opposed to posing, which I think made the pictures better. But then again, I haven’t actually seen them yet. 

One thing that wasn’t so great about knowing the photographer was that he was more interested in where I was at in my career, and I had auditioned for him. He asked whether I had an agent, if I had been on any auditions lately, where I was studying…I felt bad saying I hadn’t really been in anything, and part of me was worried he might be thinking back on that audition and thinking “That’s why she hasn’t done much”, but after asking all those questions, he would joke and say it was like 20 questions, then move on and get me laughing again. The point is not that he made me uncomfortable, because he didn’t, I think he was genuinely interested, but I wish I had done more. So although that little part of me, at those moments thought “I’m not good enough”, another part of me assured myself that I am just starting out, I am learning my craft, and eventually, I will book the roles. I will work hard, be dedicated, and make my dreams come true. Because I think I deserve it. Which is a huge improvement on how I felt just a few months ago. All in all, the headshot session was a blast, and Adrian had hoped to shoot me with my curly hair, although I had straightened it, so now I am looking forward to going back some time and doing it all over again with my natural, curly hair. He thinks it would be nice outside in the snow, but I think that would be cold. We shall see…

To finish off my week, last night I had our before last improv class. And we did actual improv! This seems ridiculous, since I have been taking these classes since August, but we were mostly doing exercises and setting up scenes, while when I think of improv, I remember how in high school we would be given a theme, go up on stage and improvise some kind of scene, which is what we did last night. I was last to go, but I am told we did good, and I was consistent in my actions (we were supposed to be making brownies) which I was particularly proud of, since I always feel awkward with the actions, and used to be the girl who was holding a glass, then opened a door, then picked up a phone without any indication of what happened to the last item. I liked to just stand there and talk, or listen…

We also played the question game, sort of. In acting class, it had been like a competition, where two people were on stage and you can only ask questions. Every answer you give has to be a question, no statements. If you said a statement or couldn’t think of anything to say, you had to sit down and someone would replace you. Last night, we did it in pairs, without the competition element, but it was still a lot of fun, and I really like doing exercises I’ve done before, because I kind of feel like I’m in my element, or I know what I’m doing.

I also finished Acting in Film, by Michael Caine, which I found so interesting and a really easy read. He brought up all kinds of points I had never considered when it comes to close ups and working with directors, and what to do on set…I have a lot of other books I have to finish first, but I definitely want to buy all of his other books!