Trust that it's there

Audition class is both the easiest, and the hardest. It is easy because at this point, we should know our lines and have done all the work, but we are also expected to improve on what we’ve learnt, and do better than the explorations of the previous weeks.

Last night, my goal was to be able to cry. Unlike other times when I have ignored crying stage directions, I actually put in a solid effort. I did lots of research and tried different things. A lot of sites mention practice, like training a muscle, but I also suffer from allergies, and didn’t want to add to the irritation on my eyes. I learnt a few things that help me get teary eyed, or can bring a tear, but have yet to figure out actual crying. If it’s a muscle that takes practice, then practice is what I will do.

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As for the Gilmore Girls scene, I did it once, audition style, and could feel something holding me back. Either because it wasn’t time for me to cry yet, or because I was trying to nail all of the beats I had found while working on the script…something stopped me. It must have looked like I was thinking of my lines, because Suzanna asked me if that was the case. When I told her it wasn’t, she told me to really not worry about the lines, and to not hold back. To be more free.

This time, as I was doing the scene, I could see Suzanna nodding from the corner of my eye. My voice changed and I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed. I didn’t achieve some of the transitions I had worked on, but I achieved so much more. Suzanna told me that I am super good at script analysis and learning my lines and I’m a great student, but now I need to learn how to be free. I need to do the work, then let it go. In short, I have to trust that it’s there.

This is hard for me, not because I am the excellent student people give me credit for, but because I spent so long being lazy. Even after I learnt how to break down a scene, I used to only do that for actual auditions and parts, leaving my class scenes to the bare minimum of learning my lines and figuring out my goal. It took me a while to figure out that classes are an opportunity not just to work on acting, but to work on everything that an actual audition or role requires. I am confessing this embarassing fact because it’s the reason I am afraid to let it go after I actually do the work. I am so worried I’ll just go back to when there were no layers, or levels to my acting, just learning and reciting lines. Now that I am doing the work, I want it to show, but that isn’t right either. I need to combine the two, doing all the work, then letting it go and TRUSTING THAT IT IS THERE!

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The second half of class was spent doing commercial auditions, and we did one for a hair product, which had us talking to each other, and to the camera, and flipping our hair. It was really weird, but also fun, and something I would like to get used to. This was not the case for me last night, though my scene partner was awesome. On the plus side, while we were running our lines, I was told that I always have beautiful hair. Class was probably worth it just for that 😉

“It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through, no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free! Let it go, Let it go…”



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